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Q & A

The following are some of the questions that I am often asked. I have given you the short answer to each question. I hope you find the answers helpful and insightful. Please sign our Guestbook. Also be sure to check out our love tutorial. It is free!

What is love? Can love be defined?

Love can be defined yes. If love could not be defined true love could not exist. Love has to have truth, otherwise it would not exist. Love has many truths, principles, aspects, elements, expressions etc. It is an art and skill that can be learned. There are many ways to learn the art of loving, the true meaning of love. Many counselors, psychologists, pastors and other relationship experts dedicate their lives to teaching people how to develop and maintain healthy relationship. Although they don't use the same terms I use, what they are in effect doing is teaching some of the components of real love, provided they have the truths and principles of love. Unfortunately some relationship gurus have the wrong idea of love and misguide people to believe false things about love (i.e. love is merely an emotion). My method for learning love is more exhaustive than today's popular books about love. It is a comprehensive method for teaching and learning healthy relationships and healthy love. The only group that teach love on a deeper level than I do are Catholic theologians, namely from John Paul II's Theology Of The Body. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages is good, and it is a good way to get started on learning about real love but it is limited to his 5 categories of love. I focus on the aspects, elements and expressions of love, and have come up with over 200 aspects of love. I wonder what the ancient Greeks would think of me?

Some people say that love is not an emotion. Explain this to me. All my life I've believed this to be true.

Emotion is a part of love, it is not the whole thing. Generally when psychologists teach that "love is an emotion" they are referring to "eros" which is a romantic, physical and emotional love. What they fail to do is to look at the other types of love like "agape" which is an unconditional love, a selfless love, the love that makes the heart and mind strong, and strengthens the will to love. "Agape" also comes with many emotions, not just one. With "agape" one experiences feelings of peace, freedom, gratitude, joy and strength; as opposed to "eros" where one only experiences sexual or euphoric feelings, which are often very selfish. Science clearly has the wrong approach to love. Unfortunately this has misguided many to believe that this "euphoria" of eros is the most important thing to live for in life and to seek in relationships; when in effect, agape is the highest type of love and it is the type of love people who desire healthy, happy and lasting relationships should be focusing on.

What is the difference between "loving someone" and "being in love with someone?"

I'll keep it simple here. Usually when people speak of "falling in love" they are speaking of "eros," that euphoric feeling some psychologists call love. To "fall in love" means that you have strong romantic feelings for someone. That's usually the general view. Some add to it and will say that it is also caring for someone, but actually caring and seeking the highest good of another human being falls under the umbrella of a more real and deeper love called "agape." When we speak of "loving someone" we are speaking of "agape" which entails doing good things for the one you love, and never bringing harm. Feelings may or may not be present with agape, because agape is more about commitment, and it is more about the will or desire to do good to the one we long for; feelings aren't seen as EVERYTHING here, but they are important and are experienced with more permanence; the love here is maintained and is usually made stronger because of this more mature and responsible view of love. It is an unconditional, selfless love. Remember, theologians and some philosphers see love differently and usually more deeply than a psychologist. We can't just follow what psychologists say. And by the way, not all psychologists believe that love is an emotion. Many support and teach the "love is an act of the will" view.

How do I know if my lady/man is cheating on me?

This is the kind of question that leaves me scratching my head. I feel that if you have to ask this question, you probably don't need to be in a relationship with this person. If there's no trust, you don't really have a healthy relationship. If there is no trust, there is little to no love at all because "trust" is a core element of love, you just gotta have trust for you to have true love in your relationship. Find someone that you can trust so that you can experience peace instead of suspicion and fear. Either the person you are dating is not trustworthy or you have trust issues. I suggest that you do some introspection, read a good book about trust, speak to a counselor, a pastor or a very wise friend, and get on the path that leads to healthy, happy and lasting relationships.

I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend, how do I get over these painful feelings?

Well, first seek to forgive the person. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain. Secondly try not to be selfish about it. In other words stop thinking about what you could've had, or what could've been or even the great harm that was done to you. Focus instead on seeking the highest good for you and for the other person. Wish them the best! Take the high road, forgive, live and let live, set new relationship goals for yourself, explore what you can learn from this relationship and move on to greener pastures. That's the gist of what we should do after a breakup. If you feel you need more help, seek a counselor, a wise and understanding friend, or a pastor that can help you work through your pain. Once you understand the principles of real love, and you begin to live them on a consistent basis, this will strengthen your will, which will make it easier for you to free yourself from painful emotional experiences. Study, reflect and live the aspects of real love. Pray if you must. This too can help.

How do I know if I have found the right person?  

I'll give you one word: Virtue. If the person you are dating leads you to grow in greater virtue or goodness that person really loves you. A person who really loves you desires the best for you, and will put you first, will sacrifice for you and protect you from things that could harm you. A person who truly loves you will not selfishly demand that you do things for him/her, especially things that are not right or that could harm you. So if you are going out with someone who has proven that he seeks your highest good, and you do the same for this person, and the connection or bond is good, and the compatability levels are high, you might be standing in front of the grand prize. Speak to your wisest friends, a pastor, a counselor if you need more discernment. Go through our love tutorial to understand the real and deeper meaning of love. It is a free tutorial. You'll find the link at the top left of this page.

Please explain this to me: "If you love someone set them free If they come back to you they are yours; But if they don't then it was never meant to be."

This is just another way of saying to respect the free will of the one you love, to not be controlling, to not want the one you love in a cage, and to not be possessive, but to love from a place of freedom. This can also mean to focus on loving someone from a place of freedom, or detachment, meaning a place where we are not attached, therefore loving from a place of true love/selflessness/freedom and not from a place of selfishness/a prison.

Is it true that "love is blind?" What does this mean?

I read a post a minute ago which stated: "“Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. blah, blah, blah..." Well, not true! Actually love, real love helps you to see more clearly. "How so?" one might ask. Well, real love requires honesty. Honesty requires seeing the truth about oneself and the truth about the person we are interested in, yes the real truth. Why am I "REALLY" interested in this person? Why is that person "REALLY" interested in me? Real love will ask these questions and get to the truth of the matter. Fake or superficial love, doesn't ask for truth, nor demand it. It just goes for the pleasure, the emotional high or approval. And by the way, superficial or immature love does blind you. But we can't really call that love because it's usually something else. 

What does "giving without expecting to receive in return" really mean?  

Healthy expectations are good, actually very good. We can only expect others to be mature and responsible. If they are unwilling to be so, then we will need to make a decision, to stay or to leave. We can only receive what people are able to give. When we truly love someone we will focus on loving them, on giving our goodness to them, on giving our best love to them, and not on what we can "get" from them, not even those euphoric feelings of love. We should receive what they are able to give, and we should do this well. It will show our total acceptance of the person we love. 

Who is your target audience? Who are you writing for?

I write for anyone who is teachable. I often tell people that the first step to understanding true love is to first be teachable. I'm a single man, so when I write I am writing to single people, teens, young adults namely. I am a Christian so I am giving the Christian point of view of dating, love and relationships. This doesn't mean that anyone who is not a Christian cannot benefit from the principles of authentic love. I have all kinds of followers on my facebook page, different backgrounds, from atheists to muslims. All are welcome. I don't preach on my pages, I focus on the meaning of love. One thing I don't do is give marriage advice. So please no emails about marriage, that's not what I do here. My advice is excellent for Christian singles who need guidance and for my former or present Sunday school students. 
 
A Page By Abel J. Banda 

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